Addie Proofing

Children love it when you childproof the house. They see it as a personal challenge–an opportunity to rise to the occasion. When we moved to this house Ella was old enough to know a skull and crossbones means “Don’t drink this–use it to clean Mommy’s windows for her because lord knows she’s not going to do it,” so we jammed some outlet covers in a couple sockets for show and called it a day. My youngest is on the move now though, and when she started showing a propensity for weaseling her way under the computer desk to try to eat the cords (again and again and again), I knew it was time to take at least rudimentary action. She’s a wily one, though, and determined to thwart my every effort to keep her out of trouble.

I put locks on the cabinets under the sink, she pulled something unidentifiable out from under the fridge and put it in her mouth.

I put outlet covers in the hallways, my baby pulled the little cap off of the door stop and crawled the length of the hallway with it in her mouth.

I moved a stack of paper off the ground, five minutes later I pulled a post it note out of her mouth.

I bought new clothes and promptly threw out the bags before she could suffocate on them, she chewed the tags off of the clothes while I was gone.

I put up the laundry detergent, I found my baby eating lint.

I wouldn’t let her sit on the bed, she got her head stuck trying to crawl under it.

I kicked her out of the office, she palmed a paper clip which I later pulled from her mouth.

Just a few minutes ago I found a business card all chewed up and stuck to the roof of her mouth. Now how will I know who to call to clean my gutters?

I have to go. I don’t know how she got them, but Addison’s in the corner juggling knives.

Addison eating a health insurance statement

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