Overheard: Vacation Edition
(as always, all true)
Amy: “Shit, dig it deeper, they can still get out!”
Steve: “Now just stay in the hole until the time comes in. Mommy and Daddy will be sitting up there doing a crossword puzzle.”
Ella: “The ocean tastes delicious!”
Addison (while sitting on the toilet): “I love you, Mommy.” (awwww.) “I love mines pee pee, too.” (never mind.) “I not like turtle poop.” (At least I beat the turtle poop.)
My grandmother: “Amy, what happened to your boobs? They’re gone! You need to start eating fudge or something.”
A stranger on the beach: “Excuse me, you might want to adjust your top–your right boob is hanging out.”
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Round Up
Okay, you guys had some pretty sage-like things to say in response to last week’s post about the misuses of vodka. Here are my favorite tips from readers:
CJ: Spritzing a few gallons of vodka down the gullet actually makes Ranger Up shoots go much smoother. Prior to the shoot, spritz some vodka on the tiny, pink shorts to ensure a cling!
Sarah: Forget AM ale……I want my morning to start with a generous glass of bacon vodka. Then follow it up with Steve’s brilliant bacon stuffed pork recipe. Deeeellliiisshhh. Someone please call Duke and schedule my cardiac cath ASAP. Does Ranger Up sell patriotic cardiac stents?
Hank: My wife also uses Russian ПАРЛАМЕНТ vodka to kill bugs a few weekends out to the year. She gets up in the morning and fixes me a big breakfast with pancakes, eggs, bacon and a hot mug of Sniper’s Brew. After breakfast she pours me a super sized glass of orange juice, lots of ice, and adds a shot or two of vodka. She gives me big kiss then hands me the drink and tells be to go get the pesticide and spray the house and garden. Works every time.
and, finally, LL: I prefer to preserve myself in vodka. Also known as pickling. But without the dill.
Let me tie up a couple of loose ends people have been asking me about:
Yep, Ella got into Catholic school. Blackwatch plaid, here we come! Maybe I should get some too… Or perhaps something with a peter pan collar…
Yep, Steve shaved his pathetic beard
and Yep, the playhouse is done. Sadly, I didn’t sustain any awesome, or even just interesting, wounds in the process.
Fudge gives you bigger boobies??? OMG, who knew?! And ummm, not to get personal or anything, but seriously, how’d you lose them? I mean, I’ve misplaced my keys and even a child by accident (it was NOT my fault, they’re all sneaky and shit and hide and like to hear me scream frantically), but boobies….those seems like a hard things to lose track of.
Unfortunately, I lost them to my children who, literally, sucked the life off of them. At their highpoint, when pregnant with the oldest, they were a DD. Planets revolved around their gravitational pull. They stayed pretty nice until about a couple of month after my youngest was through with them. Nothing a little fudge and a really good padded bra can’t take care of, though… although it appears I need a new swimsuit.
Might I suggest duct tape? If our military can use that stuff to hold together planes and whatnot, I suspect it can be used to defy gravity and “lift and push together.” Even under a swimsuit when you get wet. Then you can use vodka to help remove it AND turn the whole thing into a fun bedroom game if you get hubby involved.
I’m nothing if not ingenious.
OH! And it gets better!! TODAY IS NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY!! hahaha
I would also suggest some 550 cord to go along with the duct tape. 550 cord is an amazing thing and you can use it to make “cuffs”, it is strong. You can use it to tie up, or tied down anything. For example you can tie your,,,,errr wait, ummm,,,, hmmm think perhaps I should just stop there
p But it is useful and FUN!
I have to agree with LL on this. I am not even a bearer of boobies (well, the nice ones anyway) and I am careful to take inventory of as many of them as I can as often as I can. Seems only the responsible thing to do.
Vodka is also an aphrodisiac. And antiseptic. And depending on the type- fuel. Vodka is magnificent.
You may want to be careful mentioning the bit about plaid. I think I smell another possible contest in the future. (Nick in a plaid RangerUp skirt? Hmmm…a bit of blue eyeshadow under one eye and a RangerUp t shirt tied at the waist… wow, terrifying!)
Oh, and I love mines pee pee too.. this attitude never changes. Ever.
MMmm! Love fudge, got big knockers already and more fudge might not help in my case.
It’s no good when you’re a runner who is vertically challenged AND you give yourself black eyes because of bouncing appendages.
At least you breast fed and have an excuse for your boobs to change size!! As you may recall, Uncle Jay blatantly burst out “your boobs are getting saggy”! Yep, I’ve spent many hours in Vickie’s trying to boost these things!
I believe the exact phrase was “You’re hanging a little low there, aren’t you Abby?” Nothing like a dying gay man to make you feel good about your knockers…
at least he didn’t sing to you, “you can tie em in a knot, tie em in a bow, you can throw em over your shoulder like a continental soldier”. Now that might have caused some self esteem issues.
p
Glad the playhouse is done. Boobs thrive on attention. Fudge will do if fondling isn’t available. However, fudge only works if you vigorously tone the rest, else fudge starts at the lower end of the torso and gradually rounds from the bottom up… Frankly, corsets are easier!
Maria’s got a sharp knife so I won’t comment on Just Barely becoming nearly Just Bare. Thanks for your (irreverent) humor. One of these day’s we’ll have to parse out your best one liners and see if your readers can guess which post (including comments) they belong to.
“Nothing like a dying gay man to make you feel good about your knockers…”
Semper Fi, Hank