The Thumb Story
Okay, it seems I can’t just drop a sentence about a bloody thumb and not tell the tale, so here it is.
I was standing at the kitchen sink Wednesday morning, opening a can of cat food so I could give my cat his medicine because he’s fat and he tore his cat acl by trying to jump on things, when, all of the sudden…
I pulled the tab on the lid too hard and nearly severed my thumb when the lid came flying off.
or…
when, all of the sudden, I looked out the window and saw a nun walking a puppy and then a ninja wearing a real ninja uniform and everything jumped out from behind the disturbingly large ornamental grass that’s out by my mailbox and was all, “Give me that puppy so I can eat it,” except that ninjas don’t talk, so he said it with his eyes. When she didn’t hand over the puppy, the ninja pulled out one of those ninja throwing stars and, using my lightning fast reflexes and my amazing athletic prowess, I pulled the lid off of the cat food, leaped out the window, and double flipped down the driveway. A ninja star was heading right for the puppy’s tail when I shot my hand out mid flip and caught it just in time, thereby sustaining a nearly fatal wound to my thumb. As I caught the star, I threw the razor sharp cat food lid at the ninja and cut off his head, which I then buried in the ornamental grass. Then nun thanked me and said she wanted to buy me a jelly doughnut and I was all, “No thanks necessary and besides, my doctor says I need to cut back,” and she was all, “But my child, Jesus wants you to have a doughnut,” and what do you say to that? So the nun, the puppy, and I all went to Dunkin Donuts and lived happily ever after, Amen. I mean, The End.
Either way, I almost died so you should feel bad and send me things. Like these shoes in a size 10, which I would totally wear to preschool pickup.
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I’m leaning towards the ninja-nun version of this tale. It has more… plausibility, and I was just more into it. I mean who could believe you almost severed your thumb in that skimpy, no nonsense first version? lmao But what would I know? I think I just ate my weight in oatmeal. That cannot be good.
Elen,
I don’t foresee any digestive repercussions there. Kind of like when I didn’t foresee any yesterday, before I drank 3 cups of coffee and ate about 500 dried apricots… I weigh about 5 lbs less now.
-A
Those shoes rock, but size 10? How freakin’ tall are you?!
And you should have warned off that ninja with your own eyes. You’re a mother and wife. “Hairy eyeball” doesn’t even BEGIN to describe the looks moms and wives can give.
Ahh … perhaps with the RangerUp ensemble?
And of course she must be ein Valkerie to take on a Ninja with nothing but a pop top from a can of cat food!
Okay, if someone actually DOES get me those shoes, I’ll wear them with the shorts at the Ranger Up shoot. The theme will be “Even whores support the troops.”
I’m only 5’7″, but I’ve simply been blessed with canoe feet. This will come in handy when the second great flood comes. One of the benefits of those shoes is their height, as I’m a smidge taller than my husband so I plan to date him in them so as to up the ridiculous factor.
Dear Amy,
I hate to break it to you but cats are purrrr evil. Ever notice that c.a.t.s = cut amy’s thumb Satan, your cat is possessed. The only context you’ll here us say ‘cat food’ in our house is, “Honey, the dogs haven’t eaten their Purina Chow tonight, did you notice the neighbor’s cat is missing?”
Semper Fi, Hank
I actually believe the Ninja story more than that anyone would wear those shoes.
Had a similar experience involving a knife fight with a plastic bottle that ended with my tendon in my thumb being severed, which required surgery and a stay at the Combat Support Hospital in Iraq for a week. Felt rediculous, but it got me a week off work and lots of dope.
Of course the official story was I got bit by an insurgent and valiantly slew him with a sharpened Pez dispenser.
Those shoes are wild. If there is an opposite of sublime, those are it. They would probably match absolutely nothing in your closet, which is probably what they were intended to be worn with.
Actually there are probably some fetishists who would have ideas of what to wear with the shoes, like colored cellophane wrap. Not that I know from personal experience, mind you
Um, well, I would LOVE to buy you those shoes…but I am unemployed at the moment. Can I get ya a Dunnkin’?
Yes, yes you can.
PS…Here is the DD commercial I was telling you about…if you listen the be-bop you can hear the words. It only does one little part of the song…
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/8747/
And now that’ll be in my head for the rest of my life. Are you in league with the ninja I killed? Perhaps seeking to avenge his death via sweet jingles?
My favorite part is the chubby girl with the rabbit.
Of course! What I’d like to know is when next you fulfill your dunkin’ will that jingle come to mind?
heh. YOU know it will, especially when you get the first sip…I AM the junkin’ dunkin’ jingle singer!!
Humph. It’s just a scratch, WALK IT OFF!
Take three aspirin and you’ll feel better in the morning.
Igor.
I heart this story.
First, those shoes rock my face off…and the ninja should be stalking the cat, not a nun with a puppy. I’m just sayin.
Hmmm…”amazing athletic prowess” and those shoes…Wow. I’m useless for the rest of the day.
Okay, so I would totally rock those shoes but, ummm, here’s the thing about my “amazing athletic prowess…” Steve, Nick, Ken, siblings… anybody want to testify?
I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept thinking that there was something very disturbing and familiar about the Ninja assault on the nun and her puppy, in broad daylight and your heroic rescue of same. Suddenly, about 3am or so, a light bulb turned on and I said “AH HA! or Eureka!” or something anyway … I was pretty punchy from a lack of sleep by then …
Did you do a security sweep of the perimeter before going to DD!!?? This has all the signs of being a feint op of those nefarious doers of evil deeds, the Barking Spiders from Mars, to distract you while their Unholy Allies, the Cyborg Jackalopes from Uranus, penetrated your living space and and replaced any pet critters with Cyborg replicas. And you can’t tell. If you attempt to discover who has been replaced with a Cyborg and you trigger the anti tamper system, it will destabilize the Antimatter reactor which will detonate with a nominal yield of about ten kilotons.
Be advised that their most effective M.O. is to have the Barking Spiders attempt to sow Command disunity by introducing a very realistic emulation of human flatulence. Typically, the husband. If they see Homefront6 giving the gimlet eye to Patrol/Work6 they will then execute a second iteration of the aforementioned flatulence to prompt you to begin a verbal dressing down of Patrol6.
If you fall for this distraction, your righteous indignation will have allowed the Cyborgs the opportunity to hack into and pillage your Data Center(s), implant various Trojans in preparation for the coming Invasion and convert all your computer systems into remote Intel gathering nodes.
If you failed to do a security sweep to see in the perimeter was breached … well … just try to remember: It’s NOT Steve!
Holy. Shit.
Do I need to call the secret service or anything? I mean, I AM kind of a big deal and all.
DC is totally compromised.
I mean … does that really look and sound like the President of these United States? I suspect a switch may have been executed unbeknownst to Mrs. Obama, et al.
There’s been a rumor wafting about, like a summer zephyr, the last couple of weeks that the Cyborgs are able to do humans now. Woe, if this be true! Alas …
I noticed that the largest size those shoes come in are a ten, because no one could possibly ever have feet bigger than that…
Scott may interested in buying you those shoes!
I don’t know, Jodie, after the “bush” comment on facebook I think our property value is about to skyrocket in certain naughty circles if word of these goings on gets out…
I don’t buy either story. Ninjas don’t like puppies. Now if you had a pet Python snake that you were taking for a walk, it would be more believable.
Dude, the ninja was trying TO CUT OFF THE PUPPY’S TAIL. Keep up!
Amy,
I once sewed thru the fleshy pad between my thumb and pointer finger ..There was very little blood but a lot of screaming,,by me . That is the only thumb story I have. BTW..Nick was right, Vets kick Ass , your writing is good and you should keep it up and I really want to see Nick from Ranger up in a shell pink ballerina tee.
My mom did the same thing with a cat food lid and permanently lost some feeling in her thumb.
I’ll let you guess as to which version of the story she did (ninja/nun or no ninja/nun).
I think someone needs to get you one of those safety can openers instead of hooker shoes. :p