Treasure Trove of Awesomeness
Last Tuesday night I took a half of an Ambien, had a big glass of wine, and went to bed at 9:45.
On Wednesday I woke up to find the shelves in my closet had fallen off the wall in the night and that I had slept through it.
I tried just keeping the closet door closed for a while and ignoring the situation, but there came a time when wearing things out of the dirty laundry basket stopped working because they all smelled bad and I couldn’t even put a sperlunking hook and a hat with a light on it on my cat and send him in because he tore his cat acl and is gimpy and he’s fatter than me anyway so the floor would probably cave in he went in there (and come to think of it, why do I even still have a cat if he can no longer do my bidding and sperlunking?).
Since dirty stuff was out, I started just going with whatever I could reach from the doorway of the closet, and some pretty awesome outfits resulted. Then this lady I met at the part was all, “Excuse me, ma’am, I can’t help but notice you’re wearing a fuchsia shirt with cranberry shorts (Friday’s outfit-I have witnesses). Has your closet imploded?” “Why yes, it has. Thank you for asking.” Except for instead of really saying that she just kept shooting fashionably sensible glances my way and I kept rocking the fuchsia and cranberry.
Friday night I had to choose between wearing a bride’s maid dress to a barbeque or actually going in my closet. I chose to go in and I almost died of it. (This, after narrowly cheating death with my nearly fatal thumb injury.) So on Saturday I decided I have to address my closet, afterall. The bad part is, I have to address my closet. The good part is all of the treasures I’m finding in there. I’d like to share some with you. But first, here are some quotes from my four year old regarding the closet situation:
“Excuse me, Mommy, you don’t know how to clean very well, so let me do this for you.” Then, when I started putting my shoes against the bedroom wall instead of in the bathroom like she wanted, she admonished, “Now listen up! You don’t do a good job cleaning so let me do it MY way!”
Disclaimer: Before showing you some of the highlights of my finds, I’d like you to know that two weeks ago I filled my big ass car completely full of boxes for Good Will. The treasures shown in this post are the ones that made the cut. Now on to the show!
Let’s warm up with a collection of dresses with awesomely obnoxious prints.
The cat print is my favorite. It’s so awesome it deserves a closeup.
Similarly, here’s a fine sample from my tacky shirt collection. These are the ones I could reach and wrestle from their hangers.
I wore this shiny gem when I went to see Sugar Ray with my friend Meghan in 2001 and I actually touched Marc McGrath (mentally, spiritually, and physically) while wearing it. I plan to never wash (or, help me God, wear) this shirt again.
I’m not even sure where this shirt came from, although I keep it around because I’m absolutely certain an occasion will rise where I need such a thing and then I’ll be all, “That skanky slut shirt covered in sequins would be absolutely perfect for this occasion. I’m glad I’ve kept it all these years.” (Those shoes I asked for in The Thumb Story would go nicely with this shirt, don’t you think?)
Would somebody please invite me to a Prince concert or something so I can wear these sequin tie dyed pants again?
Perhaps with these whore shoes?
Graduation gown. You know, for all of the times one needs a… graduation gown. I think I’m going to start showing up places and making commencement speeches about how young people need to be smart with their money and should start shopping at DD because sometimes you get a coupon on the bottom of your receipt for a free doughnut if you fill out a survey but they still need to get jobs because you can’t live in a free doughnut.
And I’ll wear these shoes, so as to lend credibility to my words.
My college field hockey jersey. This will come in handy when I travel back in time to relive my glory days as a sweeper. And by glory days I mean the time when I beat a blind chick with and ear infection, scurvey and the flu to the ball.
I wore these to homecoming my senior year in high school. I looked like a princess. A pretty pretty princess.
Jealous?
Finally, here’s my favorite find. On my last day of work at Barnes and Noble, two of my friends there made up a bunch of Amy Rossi Fan Club shirts with my picture on the front and all of the employees were wearing them when I got to work that day. Names on the backs of the shirts included Original Rock Star, President, Vice President, Treasurer and, my favorite, Comptroller. To this day, it has been the crowning moment of my life.
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Addendum:
It has been brought to my attention (by me) that the shirt I’m wearing today should be counted among the “treasures” of my closet. I traded a guy in a bar the shirt off my back for this one. Totally worth it.
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Oh my God! I would book a flight to come and help but it sounds like my precious Ella has stepped in in my place.
Oh my God! I would book a flight to come and help but it sounds like my precious Ella has stepped in in my place.
A cup of gas and a match would solve the problem in jig time, Amy…
Wow!! Those ARE treasures!
Skanky shirt is my favorite. I bet you could take it to the girls at Cache and sell it…just sayin’ more money for Dunkin’!
The sad thing is i have worn and loved the majority of those shoes…is it sad that i loved them or that you still have them??, not sure…
And, seriously, sugar ray–yummy.
I coveted those flame shoes back around oh, tenth grade. 12 years ago! time to make another goodwill trip.
Reminds me, I’ve got a bunch of shirts that I pulled out of the closet a couple weeks back that need to make the trip to the Goodwill/UGM drop center.
I’m starting to develop an…affinity for your foot wear…*ahem* may I suggest these?http://www.cloggs.co.uk/invt/210 Go ahead- rock’em.
Oh my god, I just so happen to have the PERFECT shorts to go with those shoes! They’re black with pink trim, they’re microscopic, and have this Rhino wearing a helmet on them…
Atta kid!
You could just sew up the bottom of the sparkly shirt and……presto! You have an evening bag.
Nonononono…we need to keep that shirt to go with the sequin tie dye pants…and maybe Lenny Kravitz instead of Prince. Just a thought.
Nononono…we need to keep that shirt to go with the sequin tie dye pants…and maybe Lenny Kravitz instead of Prince. Just a thought.
Amy is such a packrat.
Speaking of microscopic shorts we are still waiting on that Rangerup photoshoot.
I want the flame shoes!
I think Sugar Ray actually wore a shiny shirt like that.
Last time I saw a shirt like the skanky slut shirt I was in Korea and it was chock full of juicy girl. Ask Nick, I’m sure he knows what a juicy girl is.
Nick @ Ranger up is awesome, Vets Rock, and you write a great story!
Amy,
I must say there’s definitely some subliminal stranglehold going on here and Nick’s partly the culprit because whowouldathunkit that you’d have a bunch of military groupies? No small part that you’ve got verbal voodoo and remind many of us of our kid sister. Thanks for another couple of smiles.
Not to mention the fact that I completely don’t understand women, to include my wife, and your blog just confirms that I never will. I take comfort in that.
Semper Fi, Hank
Nick was right!
You need to sporting the ‘hot shorts’ and the RU Tank Top!
Nick was right UR HOT!