In Other Nature News…
We have this bad-ass spider that builds a giant bad-ass web on our screenless screened-in porch every night. My fourth favorite birthday present (after the dunkin donuts-thong combo from my Grammy and the bottle of gin from my friend Kelly) is a camera that is full of lenses and shutter speeds instead of the tiny elves drawing pictures my other one had, so I’ve been able to capture proof that our spider has hairier legs than I do:
This spider is so crazy big and fast and awesome to watch that we’ve taken to feeding it things. Here is a picture taken literally seconds after Steve batted a moth into it’s web. It’s the cirrrrrrrcle of life…
Seeing as how the spider is tons better at cleaning up its prey than I am, I am composing a list of other things I’m considering giving it to dispose of:
1) The squirrels in the roof. (Would this make me a bad half-assed vegetarian? I mean, I’m not the one eating the squirrels… yet.) It could be a grand finale for my Amazing Flying Squirrel Show…
2) The laundry. (Sorry, can’t fold that–spider ate it.)
3) Jillian Michaels. (That’ll be enough jumping jacks, thank you very much.)
I’m open to other suggestions. We need to make use of this thing, people.
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In unrelated news, I just saw an ad for vibrating mascara. WTF???
Supposedly it has 7,000 vibrations per minute. You finish the thought.
My-mind-wanders-and-so-these-might-be-related Posts
Amy and her Amazing Flying Flaming Roof Squirrels!
Half-Assed Resolutions
Slugs, Beer, and a Post that makes no sense
Please make it go away…
In response to Nancy’s comment and my friend Joni’s facebook demand of “You need to kill that nasty spider. It looks big enough to eat Ella and Addison. Smash it!!!” I shall be feeding my spider even more. And then wrapping it up and giving it to one lucky recipient at Christmas this year. Who want to play Secret Santa with me???
7,000 vibrations a minute…hmmm. Get the husband in shape or do a Rabbit/vibrating mascara test?…
Nah!! Nothing like a chiseled man with warm tools…um, I mean hands, of course….
My wife kept a captured Black Widow in a jar on the dining room window sill. We fed it moths and whatever else we could get in there, just to watch that circle of life. Apparenly, they eat a helluva lot more than I thought…
I am DYING. You are freaking NUTS to get close enough (yes I KOW you have 20x crazy zoom but STILL) to take those pics and hysterical all at the same time for putting those pics in.
Amy, seriously! HAHAHAHA!!! I still have tears from laughing so hard. I think this might be my favorite post. Ever.
So last night, I heard a noise….thought I dreamed it…sounded like a squirrel or something. I listen. No sounds. Then, i hear the pouncing and the whining. I jump from the bed, heart racing and yelling SOB!!
We’ve had baby squirrels and chimney sweeps (federally protected birds) in the house before and that’s WHY I got a friggin’ chimney cap, after 3 years of building mazes to get the little rat fuckers out and the dead birds, too…
When I turned on the lights, i found both my cats in the pounce position. I proceeded to build a maze out of speakers, ironing boards, pictures etc… so when the cat chased “it,” it would. like the rat it was,follow the line and get the hell out to the patio.
Alas, it was a poor baby rabbit, bleeting it’s little petrified heart out, while Damascus was catting around with it… we got the bunny out to the patio by helping it hop in the right direction….and alas it stll met the fate of death as the kitty prize was in the laundry room this AM.
As I shut the door, and got back into bed, I had only one thought as I laughed out loud…”And Amy at Just Barely thinks she’s got problems with critters…#$$$@@!!
That spider needs a thong! That is hysterical!!!!! Your uncle would have loved this, even though he HATED spiders!!!