Holy Flaming Crap, I love whoever did this.
As you all know, I haven’t had much to write about lately. Last night, in a fit of writer’s block frustration, I posted the following request for material on twitter: “i need something to write about. somebody light some poo in a bag on fire and leave it by my front door or something.” AND SOMEBODY ACTUALLY DID.
The remains of the flaming bag of poo Steve found on our front steps last night.
Steve found it out in front of the house when he was locking up last night. I had no idea I knew someone awesome enough to actually answer the call for flaming poo. Now I need to figure out who did it so I can shake their filthy hand. So far, no one has come forward.
Steve was convinced it was my neighbor Jodie because she “has no shortage of poop and who else actually listens to you?”. This made sense, but she had no idea what I was talking about when I texted her. Other denials include Sarah of Camp Sarah, who is almost as twisted as I am and who, as a nurse, has access to all sorts of poo, and my friend Kelly who lives a block away and has four dogs and two kids in her house right now and, therefore, also has plenty of poo.
Here is a list of my Top 5 Whodunit Guesses–most of which are wishful thinking:
1. Meg of Playdates and Parted Hair: Just because it would make my life if it were her.
2. The cat: After his braided wig humiliation, he has to be on the prowl for some sort of revenge. I don’t think his fat rear-end would fit in a paper bag though, and I can’t imagine where he would get the fire.
3. Mike At Home: After his recent return to the U.S., former JB commenter Mike In Afghanistan has to be looking for some action. On Facebook, he lists his position as a Special Agent for the U.S. Army.. I have no idea what the training is like for Special Agents, but it has to include poo in a bag warfare, right?
4. SAHS: He has nothing better to do, and it’s mighty suspicious that he was the first on the scene.
5. The roof squirrels: This would be sweet because the size of the poo in the bag is bigger than their tiny squirrel torsos.
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There's a good chance I threw away some truly holy s&%# and now I'm going to hell. Plus I'm out of whiskey.
Wasn’t me…but I REALLY wish it had been
I love that you are excited about someone’s gross poo on your front step. I would have been all “It was a SYMBOLIC request, people!”
Holy Shit!!!! Literally!!!! EWWWW, that is gross, I would seem to fit the bill per our texting conversation about eggs but I would definitely NOT have used poo, I think I would have been a little more creative! Tell Steve he is a meanie to think it was me!!! HEHEHE Def not me, I would fess up if I did, not into “shit” like that! Hope we can find out who did it, I pity the fool!!!!!
Actually, this is a good source of alternative energy…bio-mass is THE future!!!
Judas Priest, Barbara, it’s one of those flaming bags again!
Ok– there are several reasons the poo was not donated by me:
1) poo was not double bagged, labelled and dated as per hospital protocol.
2)poo looks too healthy. As if donor is religious about high fiber diet. Our diet consists of fish sticks, bagels and chicken nuggets. Not so healthy.
3)we live in Hillsborough. Poo from our neck of woods would have instantly been squirreled (dread word) away by crunchy neighbors and composted.
4)got home that evening at 1:30am from work. Barely had energy to steer car home let alone have wherewithal to aim well enough to poo in bag.
Glad you have dedicated followers. Next ask for bag of non-flaming cash on doorstep. So much prettier than stool.
While I would thoroughly enjoy leaving a flaming bag of poo at your door, I can’t claim this one. And yes, we deal with lots and lots government shit.
Hmmmm. Reminds me of that old saying: Be careful what you ask for … you may get it.
But … might I suggest that this “smells” like the work of the Cyborg Jackalopes from Uranus?
They can even synthesize DNA so as to pin it on someone else …