Nailed It!

When we first moved to Durham six years ago I paid the rent by taking care of two little kids who were not my own.  Although I officially retired from the childcare biz after they headed off to preschool and my husband graduated and got a job, people keep leaving me their children.  The doorbell will ring, I’ll open the door, and there will be a child on my front steps.  So I let the child come into my house and I figure better take care of it and so I do.  And then word gets around that I’m a sucker and the children keep coming and I keep opening the door.

Now that my family has all of these terrible vices like “eating food” and “paying the electric bill” it’s time for me to work again with some frequency.  For the past few years it’s been people who already know me who have have entrusted their children to me, so if I say something like vagina fart they’re just like oh ha ha ha, that’s just Amy and it in no way makes me want to pay her less in fact, I think I’ll give her a raise and buy her a doughnut.  One thing I haven’t done in a long time is actually interview for a position.  Yesterday I answered an ad I found in the preschool newsletter and applied for my first steady job in years.  When the woman who placed the ad called me this morning I pretty much nailed it.  Here’s how it went down and why she’s going to for sure give me a job.

“Amy, this is Blah blah blah.”  Long pause.  “You sent me your resume yesterday?”
“Oh yes, of course, how are you?”  Courtesy reply of fine and obligatory “How are you?” back.  But instead of saying fine, like a normal person, the following came out of my mouth: “Weeeellllll, my kid threw up all over the place and while she was in the tub my left butt cheek split a hole in my jeans and I’m wearing white granny panties so everyone can totally see the hole and by everyone I mean my three year old who keeps pointing it out to me.  The funny thing is it’s not like I bent over and split a seam, I was tying my shoe when all of the sudden I heard a rip and my left cheek burst through my jeans about an inch below my pocket.”  F.  Did I really just lead with that?  Yes, yes I did.

Anyone who has met me knows that I talk 500 miles a minute, have no coherent train of thought, and am unable to stop myself once I get going, no matter how crazy I sound.  But this woman doesn’t know me and doesn’t know that.  Yet instead of hanging up she kept talking to me.

“When can we meet?  Later in the week is pretty crazy for me, so it might have to be next Monday or Tuesday.”
“Either day is fine for me.”
“How about Monday then?”
“Sounds good.  Oh wait, I forgot, I watch another kid on Mondays.  I mean, I didn’t really forget, it just slipped my mind.  But your kid won’t slip my mind.  Ha ha ha…”.  I’m on a roll!  I’m guessing most people would have faked a dropped call right about now, but she still wasn’t deterred by my awesome level professionalism and she’s actually meeting with me on Tuesday.  Hopefully there will be another kid to write about I mean… love and nurture and care for soon.

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