Teeth II

Back to the history of my mouth.

Before I finally got my braces on I had to go through the pulling of the teeth.  For most adolescents this means having their wisdom teeth out.  Not for me.  I actually had the molars in front of where my wisdom teeth should be extracted in pieces so that the wisdom teeth could continue to crowd their way into that space.  Such was the Tetris of orthodontry in the early 90s.

When I got my braces on it was cool to get colored rubber bands put around them, thus drawing more attention to the otherwise glaring metal in your mouth.  I remember feeling particularly bad ass at one appointment and getting black bands put on.  This gave the effect of having pieces of olives stuck in my teeth.

With the braces came the head gear, the ridiculousness of which needs no elaboration for anyone who has actually seen this apparatus.  (Do they still even have head gear any more?)

And here’s what I looked like when the braces finally came off:

Which, if you ask me, is a huge improvement.
Next came the post-braces retainers, for which impressions had to be made.  Impressions were made by taking gallons of the nastiest goop possible, filling a tray with it, and ramming it into the mouth so that the goop oozed down one’s throat while the orthodontist’s assistant waited for eons for it to set.  Getting impressions taken was worse than the teeth spikes.  But ah, the retainers!  They were so cool to have and came in all sorts of different patterns.  Mine was a watermelon.  Not long after I got mine it became possible to have a picture–like a photograph–put on your retainer.  That way you could wear your latest crush on the roof of your mouth, thus professing your love to your saliva.  I imagine teenagers taking their retainer out and showing it to their boyfriend or girlfriend before making out.

The fun retainers were only for the top, though.  The bottom teeth just got metal a bar cemented across the back of them.  And that, my friends, brings us back to my frozen brownie problem–the moral of the story being never get in a land war in Asia, don’t use expired retainers, and don’t forget to floss.

The end.